The snow has covered the ground here, is still falling, and the day is dark. I look out at the snow, and it gives me comfort. A feeling of being wrapped, the whole world being wrapped, protected. The voices of the folks coming and going outside are muffled. The house is quiet.
Friday, February 16, 2024
I don't know what the title can be, but...
The snow has covered the ground here, is still falling, and the day is dark. I look out at the snow, and it gives me comfort. A feeling of being wrapped, the whole world being wrapped, protected. The voices of the folks coming and going outside are muffled. The house is quiet.
Sunday, February 11, 2024
A Day Like Today
ONE is to grab my walker and head out into the bright world and walk and walk and walk. My body, out of habit, and balanced by the walker, will follow the track, one leg at a time, around and around the buildings. Most days I choose this. I follow the directions on my wall. ‘When you think of walking, walk now.’ Don’t evaluate, don’t ponder, don’t stall. Now is all there is.
Some days, this almost mindless forced march gradually blows away the fog. I speak to a few people, wave to some, my mind begins to clear, my brain begins to focus, I start advising, planning, bargaining with myself in my head.
I picture the pages pasted to my walls.
Do the hard thing.
You can always go farther than you think you can.
This is something that comes; it is also something that goes. Live with it, relax, it is only a moment in your life.
I may continue wobbly, but this I know I can do.
Some days I can go around three times. Some days two. One full lap is mandatory.
Then, for the rest of the day, no matter how much nothing I do, I can tell myself, I walked.
I will be physically tired but mentally restless. No writing. No serious thinking. Only easy distraction. Go to the lobby. There is always someone to listen to. Go to building four. There will be…someone…something along the way to see, think about, kill time. These days are long.
I may go back, put a few strokes on canvas, move a table, lift light weights, stare into the frig, the pantry, the freezer, nothing new there.
Mostly browse the net, follow whatever intriguing thing that pops up.
Today, I planned to choose alternative TWO, (so far undescribed, maybe another day) but, rules is rules.
I thought of walking, and the rule on the wall is, do it. So, I had to go out.
Out the patio door. Deep breath.
Wow, brightest day in months. Music, new headphones, my escape, starts with You Never Can Tell, so I start out fast.
Wearing sunglasses that are old and foggy and the sun is so bright, it is like walking blind-ish in space into the sun. A spacey, way-out- weird feeling. I like it. My body knows the way, it is inside the music, almost ecstatic, almost frightening. I don’t even need to watch the curbs, just tripping along heedlessly. Can’t fly today, legs too wobbly, but this will do.
I guess this short time of non-thinking, maybe this is what everyone is writing about. "Being in the now—mindfulness." Does it make the listless day to follow worth it. I don’t know. I don’t know if I have a choice.
Goddammit, I wish google would leave off correcting my reckless attempts at poetic prose. I don’t want to say ‘furthermore, likewise,or not only that, but’ I don’t know.
My plan was to pick thing TWO. Too bad. I walked. Second choice is off the table for today. Now I'm home.
This is as much as I can stay in my left brain. So, if choice TWO ever gets explained, it will have to be another day. Gotta go wander now.
Monday, January 29, 2024
Sunday in the Neighborhood. Whoa.
Sunday morning. Drag out of bed. Tired, as usual. Later, the life will come. Just wait. Must get up by 9 so maybe I'll sleep better. Sit at the computer. Coffee.
Put in the ear pods. The music started. Shock. Exhilaration. I had to get up and move. Magic.
Hurried. Pulled on one layer. Don't bother to check the temperature. Get the walker, out the door. Not exactly skipping, at least physically, but in my head. Energy to burn. Got as far as the corner. Cold wind cuts into my one layer. Tried to continue. Shivered. So cold I can't think of the music. Back to house. Light bulb. Aha. Treadmill. Excitement inside my head. Calm down, al. Slow down. Breathe.
All the while the music. Pushing me. Lifting me. Almost manic. It’s been years since I felt this. The possibility of–whisper this–running.
Upstairs. Turn on the treadmill. Careful now, you can't afford to fall. Elevate to 3. start with speed at two mph. Moving. OMG. The excitement in my belly, my heart, my throat. I could fly. Hold on. Up the speed. Elevate to 7. To match the pace of the music, deliberately chosen to be slow, make my feet hit on the beat, I go knees way high, a proud march, eyes forward, back arched. Head up. With the music, I am strong.
All the songs are a surprise. Some I know. Some are new to me. I am filled with delight.
My Name is Larry Yount comes on. I up the volume.
Anyone who walks past the exercise room right now will see an old lady, strutting strong, knees high, heels hitting the treadmill hard, tears running down her smiling face. I could scream to let off emotion. Euphoria. I feel like a woman in a crowd at a rave. At least that's what I imagine it would be like. And the music, the music fills my head and my body and my legs.
This is gonna sound, IDK, pathetic maybe, dorky, for sure. I’ve been trying to write a thank-you letter, to let you all know what this means to me, to my view of my life.
All the time I’m moving, in my head it feels like running, I’m thinking, here I can improve my balance, let go with my hands occasionally, stand upright, not hunch, lift those legs, build some strength. Arms pumping. (Well, maybe flailing, but still, look ma, no hands.) In my imagination I will be able to walk free, jog, maybe even run, eventually.
All this because of the music. In my head. From my kids. I am so lucky. All the energy that went into this gift. The love. I am full-on manic and almost bursting with happiness and gratitude and love for my kids.
Forty-two minutes like this. Best forty-two minutes I can remember. Gotta stop now. Legs getting a tiny bit wobbly. Can’t wait to get back tomorrow.
Thank you all. Love mama
Tuesday, January 23, 2024
dug outta the trash
Down here below steve earle website
Satellite radio steve earle
Copperhead Road
Feel Alright
In the Midnight HourWilson Pickett
Wilson Pickett
A
The Tokens
The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Wimoweh)
Elton John - Honky Cat
Roy Orbison - Working For The Man
Creedance clearwater
Proud mary
The midnight special
Down on the corner
Suzie Q