I remember during that first year after he died, typing his name in a search engine, not really believing I could contact him out there in the ether, feeling desperately alone, not knowing what else to do.
How many people use the social networks, facebook etc. to search for a feeling, a person, a spirit, something, trying to satisfy a longing, find comfort, make some contact?
Futile, fruitless, irrational, but, has anyone else ever done it?
Tonight, this morning, awake, lonesome, searching, I click on a post of a Patsy Cline song, knowing it will be a mistake when I do it, start following the chain, playing all the old, sad, twangy, easy to sing country songs--Patsy, Bob Wills, Willie, all the versions of Faded Love I can find (that was the the song he played for me the summer I ran away from home) then on to other lump in the throat evoking voices, voices or songs we had shared, -Leon Redbone, Tommy Edwards, some from the Dude tape, round and round and finally back to Patsy.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, fumbling on the keyboard in the light of the laptop screen with the rain pounding on the metal roofs outside, sometimes, it is easy to forget that death is forever, irrevocable, real.
How many sane, intelligent, rational-in-the-daylight souls commune with a keyboard in the dark and suspend reality, believe for a while during the morning hours that.......whatever they need to believe--is possible?
Do you?
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