A Day Like Today

 There are two things I can do on days like this. 

ONE is to grab my walker and head out into the bright world and walk and walk and walk. My body, out of habit, and balanced by the walker, will follow the track, one leg at a time, around and around the buildings. Most days I choose this. I follow the directions on my wall. ‘When you think of walking, walk now.’ Don’t evaluate, don’t ponder, don’t stall. Now is all there is.

Some days, this almost mindless forced march gradually blows away the fog. I speak to a few people, wave to some, my mind begins to clear, my brain begins to focus, I start advising, planning, bargaining with myself in my head.

I picture the pages pasted to my walls.

Do the hard thing.

You can always go farther than you think you can.

This is something that comes; it is also something that goes. Live with it, relax, it is only a moment in your life.

I may continue wobbly, but this I know I can do.

Some days I can go around three times. Some days two.  One full lap is mandatory. 

Then, for the rest of the day, no matter how much nothing I do, I can tell myself, I walked.

I will be physically tired but mentally restless. No writing. No serious thinking. Only easy distraction. Go to the lobby. There is always someone to listen to. Go to building four. There will be…someone…something along the way to see, think about, kill time. These days are long.

I may go back, put a few strokes on canvas, move a table, lift light weights, stare into the frig, the pantry, the freezer, nothing new there.

Mostly browse the net, follow whatever intriguing thing that pops up. 

Today, I planned to choose alternative TWO, (so far undescribed, maybe another day) but, rules is rules.

I thought of walking, and the rule on the wall is, do it.  So, I had to go out.

Out the patio door. Deep breath.

Wow, brightest day in months. Music, new headphones, my escape, starts with You Never Can Tell, so I start out fast.

Wearing sunglasses that are old and foggy and the sun is so bright, it is like walking blind-ish in space into the sun. A spacey, way-out- weird feeling. I like it. My body knows the way, it is inside the music, almost ecstatic, almost frightening. I don’t even need to watch the curbs, just tripping along heedlessly. Can’t fly today, legs too wobbly, but this will do.

I guess this short time of non-thinking, maybe this is what everyone is writing about. "Being in the now—mindfulness." Does it make the listless day to follow worth it. I don’t know. I don’t know if I have a choice.

Goddammit, I wish google would leave off correcting my reckless attempts at poetic prose. I don’t want to say ‘furthermore, likewise,or not only that, but’ I don’t know.

My plan was to pick thing TWO. Too bad. I walked. Second choice is off the table for today. Now I'm home.

This is as much as I can stay in my left brain. So, if choice TWO ever gets explained, it will have to be another day. Gotta go wander now.