I don't know. Moderation? Starting over? Just interminable life?

I live in an apartment in a senior living complex. J, my beloved companion for the past 4 years lived down the hall in his apartment.   We shared meals, played cards, talked, at least once a day. Did laundry together. Ordered groceries together. Talked about life, old age, death, obstacles, assistive devices, everything. Comfortable. Easy. We pondered when one of was going to have to leave, or die.  At this age  that is a topic of great interest. Our energy diminished. We talked more. He needed more assistance than is available here. I assured him it was okay for him to move to a place where he would have more support. We talked about that a lot. 

Inevitably, the time came. His daughter found a place he could move to, perfect, between her job and her home so she could easily check on him. It cost a lot more than here, but he could afford it. 

We looked at a place for me there, but everything cost more than I coud afford. 

On November 28, 2021, his family moved him to the new place.

In the circumstances, no transportation, low energy, this was goodbye forever. We spoke on the phone a few times, but there was no point. Talking on the phone didn't connect us like daily visits had. Happily, he found card games to play at the new place and all meals were provided. He adapted, made the most of what he had. I felt good about  his new life.

So, now what was I going to do with all that time we had filled together? I missed him. A lot. But I had to move on. Or sit still and die. That was a bottom of sorts.

My first impulse is always to flee. go away. Get in a car, or take an airplane, and go somewhere else.

I had always traveled, but I no longer had a car, my balance was iffy, I couldn't walk a block any more, much less carry heavy bags through airports.  I staggered. I stumbled. I had never fallen, but I was very careful. A fall is often the beginning of the end in people my age.

The obvious answer was exercise.  After 4 years of doing nothing physically challenging, not even walking because J couldn't walk without pain. Exercise.   Maybe start a new life of my own. I was younger, healthier, still wanted...something.

So, day one, Nov 28, 2021. Set my intention. A committment. Treadmill in the AM 15 mins. NUstep in the PM 25 mins. No thinking. Just do it. A rule, no second guessing, no procrastinating. As soon as I thought of it, it was time to do it.

  

Now it is February 18, 2022 and a lot has happened. J died on January 5, 2022. day.Exercise has stopped, started, diminished, gained momentum. The details of that will have to come another day.